Written by Kirsten
By 2AM, a very strong contraction made the uncertainty before me seem insurmountable alone. My doula came quickly. I was gripping the tub, on hands and knees, on the toilet bracing myself as I went increasingly inward. She said, let it be intense and I did. On my hands and knees I laboured with you baby. You were so helpful and I felt like we were on the same team. The sensations took me to beyond any physical limit I could ever hope to understand. I cannot put into words how the contractions of labor took me to a place beyond this place.
It was a good time to set up the birthing tub, I thought thank God. I was also unable to find physical relief in any labouring position- forget the squatting I had practiced. The tub meant the time was near and you were almost here. I don’t know where time went as I stayed with the contractions, one at a time, the best I could. The tub was a relief and to be on my hands and knees in that safe place felt better than anything yet. I started to push, actually I thought well I’m going to push and if they tell me not to then too bad, but I am doing it. I pushed with each contraction.
The midwife came as the time was near. I could feel you moving down but still like you were wrapped in 50 blankets. We listened to your heartbeat which was strong. The contractions became more focused and shorter. There was a purpose to these contractions as I started to feel more of where you were and began to understand what must be done. I could feel your head and neck and understood. The contractions were coming with purpose. I put my hands on my doula’s shoulders and wanted the reassurance of another woman who had faith in me and who had been there before, who saw me with compassion, strength, and who was resolved to be there for me.
With the next contraction the pressure was intense in my sacrum. Be ok with the pressure, be ok with the intensity, let it just be there. Not to push too hard so not to tear. With the next one you came out farther. I knew you were almost here. I was scared, would I open? One final push then yes, yes I did. Your head was out and I could feel you moving it around. It felt like a long time between that push and the next one to push your body out. With the next contraction I did it. It was over. Your father caught you safe. You were here, I turned around to see you and you were absolutely perfect. We did it together.